When I was a little girl I fought a whole lot, I fought my cousins, the neighborhood boys, and my sisters and brothers. Some fights I won and some fights I lost.
But to look at me today, you could not believe that Coach Angie used to throw blows.
There was something inside my heart that would not let others walk over me. There was something in my heart that knew if I didn’t stand up to fight, everyone was going to think that I was afraid to fight. I fought fights that wasn’t even my fights. I fought fights that I didn’t want to fight. I encountered some fights that I knew I had met my match! After fighting the I met my match fights, I would be worn out but none the less, I fought, even when I knew that I would loose. I would fight the person and walk away, and when I walked away, the fight was over for good.
But one day I encountered a fight that I stayed in way to long. My self-esteem was wrapped up in it, the lack of love that I had for myself was wrapped up in it, a baby was wrapped up in it. I fought back, but I felt like I lost my will to fight back strong like I had done in previous fights. This fight seemed like it was getting the best of me. I allowed myself to be disrespected, walked over, rejected and abused.
Where did it all go wrong? How did this girl who fought all the time and would not let anyone walk over her, who had the love of her mother and father, allowed herself to be taken advantage of. Why didn’t this teen girl walk away from this fight, when this fight had proven to be a fight that clearly was not healthy for her life.
Why after the first time this person put their hands on her, didn’t she end that fight once and for all? What made her go back after the first initial hit? See I fought back when ever it got physical, but the fight I was losing was mental. Why was I not mentally strong enough to walk away? Its never the physical abuse that you remember that hurt so bad, although that is not good at all, but it is the mental abuse that lingers on more.
You are saying to your self what did I do to deserve this? He say that he loves me. Then those shame voices start talking to your thoughts, do not tell anybody what happen because they are going to think you are a fool for allowing this to take place and staying with him.
This blog post is for somebody, I had a totally different fight I wanted to write about but I will be obedient and allow the Holy Spirit to use me. This paragraph is for you. But I felt like this as well going through this my teenage years. But you are going through this now!
Everybody look up to you, they think you got it all together, you appear to have the perfect relationship. You appear to be strong and would not take any abuse from no one. Matter of fact, your girlfriends come to you for advice. You say to yourself, you better not tell anyone about this. Just put on make up to cover the marks left on you from him hitting you. You better not tell anybody the way he really talks to you, and treat you. But even when you do tell that one person you feel like you can trust, you do not tell them everything because you know in your heart, anyone who claims that they love you, have children with you and are married to you, should never be treated like this.
My dear sisters, you are suffering in silence. Some of you are Christians and some of you are not. You are protecting your image, you are protecting his image and if you have children with him, you are protecting the image of your children. You are breaking down inside, you have to get help. You have to get enough strength to put you and your children in a healthy environment. You are not protecting anyone involved in this abusive situation, you are doing more damage by not getting the help.
Back to my story, so why didn’t I walk away, what was I lacking inside of me? How did the enemy meander his way into my self esteem and set up a mental stronghold in my mind? Why didn’t I have enough love for myself to cut the soul tides? What did I rationalize in my mind and made this situation ok to deal with? What thoughts were the enemy feeding me to make me go back again and again? What was he telling me that made me think he loved me and things will get better? What is happening to you as well? What are you afraid of letting go? What story do you keep telling yourself?
This is why I believe I stayed to long and why other women stay to long as well
I believe at the most opportune times, at times when we are on our highs and at times when we are at our lows and when we are the most vulnerable, vulnerable could mean being on top and being at the bottom, we make decisions based on the need we are feeling at that moment or season in our life.
This was happening to me in my high school years, when I was trying to figure out who I was. My home life was shattering, both of my parents were in the home but not at home. My parents was going through a battle of there own. I think I was looking for my life to take on some kind of meaning. High School is a time where you really feel the peer pressure. It is a time where you just want to fit in and be like everybody else.
But you can be an adult and feel peer pressure. I was comparing myself with my unhealthy environment. Where almost every girl had a boyfriend. Wondering to myself am I good enough and beautiful as the other girls, do I measure up.
When you look for someone to validate you or when you are dreaming of this perfect life and you finally receive it, you start to feel like you are on top of the world. Everything is finally going good, I have someone who say they love me. I appear to others to look like I am doing so well for myself. Why would I break that up. This feels so good right now and then you begin to make decision that you haven’t given long term thought to, like having pre-material sex and a baby is born. This was my story as a teen girl, but your story as an adult is little different.
You tell yourself as an adult but we have children together, I do not want my kids to grow up from a broken home. We pay everything together how would I take care of myself without his income or he pays for everything, I haven’t worked in 5 years. We are Christians, we do not believe in divorce because God says it is a sin. How can I walk away now, I don’t want to raise this child alone. What is others going to say? But the more you stay, the worser things are getting. And the worser you are feeling on the inside because this person that you are trying to hold on to is selfish and don’t love himself. He doesn’t know how to care for you right now, he doesn’t have the right mindset. So you are subjecting yourself and your kids to this vicious cycle of abuse.
You will never be free until you free yourself, because there is no consequences for the perpetrator’s actions. You have to go to war on the behalf of your family. Sometimes temporary separation is needed until the family unit is stabilized and the perpetrator gets some real help and make a heart change. I am not saying divorce him if you want your family to stay together, but it can not continue the way it is going, not for you or for the kids. Go on a fast and intercede. Ask God who you can talk to. This person has to be someone without judgement and that will give you true Godly counsel.
So how was I able to walk away from that dark season in my life. I stopped being afraid of him. I started to understand what real love was. I knew I needed to do inner work on myself. I would always visualize my life being better. I started to gain my footing again. I started to feel like my old self again. I wasn’t born again at the time, but I went to church as a little girl and read the children’s bible and I knew to pray to God, so that is what I did. I would talk to God asking him to give me the strength to cut all tides and fellowship with this person. I stop accepting phone calls. I no longer put myself in this person presence. I avoided any contact with this person. I had prep talks with myself, I had them with a trusted friend. I wanted more for myself and I wanted more for my daughter.
Yes, the enemy knew he was loosing ground and tried everything to stop me, but I had God on my side. I completely moved out of the neighborhood. I no longer desire the untouchable thing. I eventually started going to church and was set free completely. Yes your perpertrator will get very angry at you at first, he will use intimidation, manipulation and control. He will probably threaten you and harm your material possession as well, but you still can not fear him. Get help if you are really afraid.
There is hope for you but you have to want to see change bad enough to do something about it. You can not go another year in an abusive situation. God can turn it around for you but you have to stop being afraid! You have to get help! God will take care of you until your storm pass. Be prepared to walk away if things do not change. Some of you are not married and have nothing to loose. This is not the man for you! But those that are married, I understand you have a lot invested in your marriage, you have to trust that God will protect you. Even if you have to go in hiding to give your husband time to get it together. No one has to know about your situation.
You do not have to tell anyone about it. But please get the help! If I can help you in anyway please feel free to reach out to me, your secret is safe with me, You can contact me on my website down below. Just go to the CONTACT link and there is a number available to you.
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